Saturday, May 28, 2011


Hard Rock Zombies 1985 - No Stars !!! This is the story of a metal band of hair farmers murdered by a psychotic family led by Adolph Hitler. They rise from the dead to seek revenge and rock.When they rise they are essentially wearing KISS make up to distinguish them from the living. They slaughter the Hitler family, who rise as zombies themselves. Welcome my friends to the movie that never ends. Big haired rock sluts, bad 80s rock, twisted dwarves who want to watch their 95 year Grandpa (Hitler) having sex, a werewolf Granny....If you took everything that was wrong with the 80s and encapsulated it in a low budget film, this is it. This isn't the worst film I've ever seen, but it competes with ferocity. Most of the films reviewed here have at least one little redeeming quality, but I can't find one here. It's attempts at humor are puerile and fall amazingly flat. A collage scene where the band is seen indulging in hijinks straight from a Beatles film is repeated later with the band as zombies, both are nauseating. Many have been the times that I manage to wade through garbage by riffing on the film MST3K style, but this excrement renders that option impossible. Even the obligatory shower scene is ho hum. What gore there is is laughable. Of course the zombies drive themselves to their last concert, setting up a climax as dreary and worthless as all that preceded it. I don't think I've ever been happier seeing end credits roll in my life. Ignore this review at your own peril.

Harold's Going Stiff 2011 - *** This is the most human zombie film I've ever seen. This is the story of Harold Gimble, patient zero of a new disease called "O.R.D." (Rigor Onset Disease). Those who suffer from it experience stiffness in their bodies, lesions, and in the end a loss of cognitive abilities and violent behavior.

 Because of this there are groups of "protectors" who take it upon themselves to rid the world of these "zombies". We get to witness the actions of these protectors, who kill the afflicted they find with baseball bats. They feel they are providing a noble purpose. That is the extent of the violence really, there is nothing explicit.

Harold begins undergoing physical therapy with a lonely, overweight nurse named Penny, and the two form a bond in spite of their age difference. Because of the quality of the actors, one comes to feel that they know these characters.

This film, which is shot part documentary style, is funny, heartwarming, and heartbreaking. It illuminates the best and worst that we humans have to offer. It is a "zombie" film like no other, and I highly recommend it.

Hell Is Full 2010 - 1/2 * One can only imagine that if this film had an actual script, budget, production values, actors, make up team, and gore effects team that it would be merely passable. Unattractive people making out, old guys hitting on much younger women, unfunny jokes, these are just some of the highlights that this film bestows upon the unsuspecting viewer. I found myself grateful that the only fuck scene on screen was with the two participants fully clothed, it was an unexpected kindness.

As for the zombies here, they look pretty normal - no make up to speak of. They are pretty indistinguishable from the living except that they look, well, drunk. This, of course, means that there could be an apocalypse in Ireland and no one would even notice.

Ultimately we learn that the outbreak in this small town was caused by a meteor. Not surprisingly the film never reaches a climax as such, it just kind of ends, which was just fine by me.

I would be more forgiving if this movie was on an actual micro budget, but the IMDb says it cost $50,000.00 U.S. There are indie film makers out there today who would kill for that kind of money, and wouldn't squander it so blatantly.

Hide And Creep 2004 - *1/2 What do you get when you cross zombies, UFOs, and Alabama rednecks? Why this low budget zombedy of course. Unlike a lot of such films this one actually made me laugh. The gore effects are largely hokey, as is the acting and make-up. What nudity there is is of the "put any woman who'll take their clothes off in the film" variety. But the gags, in jokes, and presentation of the US South watching VHS on black and white TVs in 2004 create enough guffaws to keep ones interest. A little better than average for this kind of budget. Like a homely faced woman with a great body it is worth spending a couple of hours on when there is nothing better available.

The Horde 2009 - *** This film is a bloodbath. It has good zombie make-up, and the gore effects are superb.The casting is entirely appropriate, the characters are convincing and deadly.The zombie horde scenes are impressive, but there is something lacking. Scenes that would have made this film remarkable were only hinted at. The best example is as scene where a man stands a top a car surrounded by walkers that are going to consume him. Just as they are about to grab him the scene ends, robbing the viewer of what would have been horrific and graphic. The script provided some clunky moments that didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the action as well. This tale of cops and gangsters ultimately teaming up to fight the undead held so much promise. Fortunately the script flaws don't hamper what should have been a sublime experience too much. This is a well made, must see zombie film.

Horror Of The Zombies 1974 - 1/2* Should you run across this film treat it like herpes, it's just another skeletons wearing robes flick. A total piece of shit.

Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels 1999 - 1/2* Once upon a time there was a girl named Elizabeth Bergholz. Elizabeth seemed to have an issue with "pesky body hair" and had aspirations to be a screen writer. So she did what any of us would do; she used her pet peeve as her muse, and produced a screenplay. This screenplay revolved around a hot blonde biker chick's arrival in a small coastal town. The town's residents are quite unaware however that this mysterious stranger has a secret agenda. Using a special wax in her newly opened hair removal studio, she begins turning the town folk into hairless, horny zombies. Now it is up to a lingerie saleswoman, a barber, and a couple of crusty old sea Captains to put an end to her heinous plot. With her screenplay complete, and a seemingly implausible production deal in hand, Elizabeth sought out a director who would bring her vision to life onscreen. Michael Roush had never directed a film before, so he was the perfect choice. Together Michael and Elizabeth shot the film to their mutual satisfaction. The movie was screened at B movie festivals that would accept it, and got a video release. Elizabeth and Michael have not worked in the industry again. The end.

This is billed as a comedy/horror film, it contains neither. There are no zombies as such either, just regular looking, horny folk. The 1/2* is awarded for the mercifully large amount of nudity that allowed me to endure the 88 minute running time. The film does deliver one memorable line, "All I need is a compliant, hairless 18 year old girl to make my life complete". Yeah, me too.

House Of The Dead 2003 - * I laughed like hell at this first movie based on the video game. The plot and acting are ridiculous, and when a zombie is killed you see footage from the video game instead of the actual kill.

House Of The Dead 2 2005 - **1/2 A much better attempt, even though it is just standard fare. There are some good kills and the zombies are quite believable looking.

Humans Versus Zombies 2011 - * This is a movie I have seen.

I kinda wanted to leave it at that for comedic effect, but I felt I had to warn the viewer to avoid this.... this pointless expenditure of production money and time. Based loosely on the popular college game of the same name this is one of the most uninspired, predictable, and contrived films to come down the pipe in some time. There isn't a single original concept or scene to be found here, it's as though the screen writers just grabbed scenes from at least twenty other films and threw them together into one boring screenplay. A virus called H1Z1 is accidentally unleashed from a government research facility and begins to spread. The story takes place at a campus where an assortment of college stereotypes are forced to band together to try to survive. The acting is entirely sub-standard, while the make-up, and effects are somewhat passable. There is not so much as a snicker worthy scene here, truth be told the one thing we'll remember this movie for is the perfect ass of one of the actresses during a very gratuitous shower scene. I thank the producers for not completely wasting my time, it really was an exceptional ass !

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