The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody 2013 - * Zombie porn, what more can I say that I haven't said already? If you are a fan that is your business, but how anyone gets themselves off while watching what amounts to acts of necrophilia still bewilders me. As far as the porn goes this is pretty standard fare, 130 minutes worth of pretty standard fare. This is long even for a porn compilation, are they actually trying to tell a story between money shots? Well yes they are. The first thing one notices is that the porn version of these characters are much uglier and more heavily tattooed than their AMC counterparts.
Here then is the plot in a nutshell:
- Rick awakens in the deserted hospital. He wanders until he comes to a door which reads, "dead inside fuck them". He is jumped upon by a female zombie who starts blowing him, and instead of being concerned that she will bite his cock off or otherwise infect him, he protests, "what are you doing ? I'm married". He isn't even concerned by her appearance, he just doesn't look down much....
- Rick goes home, his family isn't there. He gets nostalgic as he goes through some keepsakes and finds Lori's dildo, he sniffs it.
- While Shane and Lori begin making out they are interrupted by Carl. Carl is played by a twenty something actor who appears profoundly retarded. Carl leaves and goes to Sophia's tent. Twenty something Sophia has stolen a vibrator from Lori, and wastes no time in using it.
- Andrea is a frustrated lesbian, she can't find any clam to munch on so she cuts off the dicks of the undead to use as dildos. She informs the other survivors that if a zombie swallows cum they die. A group of walkers attack, Sophia is eaten. Not eaten the way you are assuming, just bitten.
- We are introduced to Daryl Dixon who looks like Steve Buscemi's skinnier younger brother. He dispatches a few zombies then decides to have a three way with two dead women. There is copious fucking and sucking. Curiously the two zombie women retain enough of their humanity to remember how to manipulate each other's clitoris'. Daryl pays no heed to what must be a vile odor, not to mention the fact that they are also dead.... The zombies kneel before him to accept his chode, and die immediately after he delivers.
- Rick finds the others, Carl asks him if he can help find Sophia because she was going to put dildos in her ass. Rick tells Carl, that she must be a special girl, the kind you don't put on a short bus. Rick looks for Lori and walks in while Shane is spreading her ass cheeks. Shane explains that he is looking for Sophia. "In my wife's asshole"? Rick asks quite justifiably. The two men then engage in fisticuffs until they tire and decide that they should double penetrate Lori. Lori makes a series of funny noises during the proceedings, and when it's over she thanks them.
- Shane can't accept the fact that the threesome was a one time thing, Rick's way of saying thanks for looking after his family while he was gone. He picks up a gun to kill Rick, but Lori shoots and kills him. Shane begins to turn, so Rick pulls out his cock for Shane to suck knowing that his load will kill him. Lori decides to kill him the old fashioned way instead and shoots him again.
- Andrea decides to go to the hospital to see if she can find Sophia alive, there she is attacked by multiple zombies. When all looks lost for her she is miraculously saved by Michonne. They decide to drink deeply of each other's vital juices. Andrea is covered by a sufficient amount of tattoos to denote mental illness.
- The rest of the gang are also looking for Sophia. Their chances of survival appear slim until they are rescued by Glenn. Glenn is played by a caucasian wearing the most ridiculous Asian eye makeup I've ever witnessed. The dude looks more like a Vulcan version of Adam Sandler than an Asian. I wondered why they would get a white guy to play an Asian guy in a porn flick......no I didn't, the answer is obvious isn't it.
(I feel it's important to point out here that I am only half Japanese).
- Rick and the group find the zombified Sophia on a roof top. Rick decides that Carl needs to become a man in this harsh new world they inhabit, so he encourages him to mouth fuck her and kill her with his cum - a rite of passage if you will. Carl throws her on a mattress (why there is a mattress on a roof top was never explained to my satisfaction, but I quibble, no) ? Carl proves to be a giving lover, he generously goes down on her to facilitate easier penetration. He is pleased when Sophia reciprocates. They engage in coitus in various positions until, inevitably, Carl must perform his wonderful yet sad duty....
- Andrea says she knows of a safe place. When they arrive there, Mr. Spock, er, Glenn finds a working computer. Rick has trouble dealing when they discover that they may be the last humans left. Suddenly zombies attack! A blood bath ensues which uses up all of their remaining bullets. There are still two females zombies left, what to do? An orgy seems to be the only viable solution at this point. This goes on until the two zombies suck cum and succumb. (I never thought I'd get to use that in an actual sentence).
- And that's a wrap. The movie just kind of ends there, thus robbing the viewer of any real resolutions to the remaining questions that leap to mind. Like I said pretty standard fare, at least there was no ass to mouth action or zombie scat. These people may be necrophiliacs, but they're not sick.
Surprisingly, the makeup and special effects here aren't bad, they're actually better than some serious attempts at zombie film making. There really isn't that much more to say except that the actor who plays Rick does a really good imitation of Andrew Lincoln's voice.
Well, there you have it. I decided to provide a plot synopsis this one time for those who like to whack or rub to this nonsense. Now you can enjoy this film the way porn should be enjoyed - fast forwarding through anything that isn't fucking. Thank me later.
Warm Bodies 2013 - * I received several queries on Twitter as to why I hadn't reviewed this film yet. Perhaps it was my profound reluctance to view what I considered the "Twilight" of the zombie genre. It could have been my ingrained loathing of chick flicks making its presence felt. Finally though I remembered my mandate to review ALL of the films in this genre, so trying to keep my preconceptions at bay, I sat down to view it. After all, it is a large budget film that couldn't possibly be worse than "Zombie Nation", "Zombiez, or "Zombies Gone Wild". Could it?
I understand that I am not going to please everybody here. If you're a fan, then you won't care if I don't like it, and vice versa.
The little fella from "About A Boy" has grown up, and here he plays the zombie "R", who provides the voice over narrative for this tale. He's pretty cognitive for a zombie...walks better than the rest too, no lurching here....
Anyway R meets Julie whose boyfriend's brain he has eaten, and he is smitten. You see, when a zombie eats brains he takes on the memories of the person whose brain he has consumed. He saves her from his own kind, taking her inside a passenger aircraft that he has turned into a sweet man cave, and woos her with some Guns N Roses. Together they explore this magical world they live in, a world where canned food and beer never go bad, and cars start after eight years. They listen to music together, R has records - he collects things when he's not consuming flesh. The two dance together, they take turns driving a car, theirs is a magical courtship.
When Julie tries to escape and go home, she is menaced by the undead, but fortunately she is saved by R and his best friend who is also an evolved thinker who has already taught himself to drive. Later as an act of defiance they hold hands and walk through a crowd of zombies who seem to respect this unorthodox coupling enough not to interfere, and let them pass.
In another scene the pair run out of gas. We see Julie performing a rusty trombone on R. Just kidding, I wanted to see if you were still reading at this point.
Julie goes home, the two miss each other. Eventually a group of the zombies begin to gain their memories back and dream. R goes into the city to tell Julie that there are zombies who are changing, there is a reunion scene where Julie is on a balcony....
Other shit happens, and in the end things end happily for all involved.
As one would expect from a film with a $35 million budget the makeup and zombie scenes are very good. The PG-13 rating prohibits any real violence, so there is little satisfaction to be gained there. As an enjoyable date film, it has a theme that is at least somewhat familiar, it has zombies and is not "The Notebook".
As sweet as all this may be though, all this film does is to help foster that crazy fucking female romantic delusion that the love of a good woman can change any man whether he be an undead flesh eater, vampire, or lycanthrope. It should offend the zombie film fan because the writers of this nonsense are shitting on all that has come before it to enlighten us that these aren't bad creatures, they are merely misunderstood victims of circumstance.
Like "Twilight" fans, I'm sure you "WB" fans are thinking, "haters gonna hate". If this is your cup of tea so be it. It most certainly though isn't mine. And for all you guys who refuse to watch this film remember, I took one for the team here. Nuff said.
We Are What We Eat 2012 - *** I really enjoyed this 10 minute short film. The impressive thing here is that it was shot in just two days by a 16 year old making his directorial debut. Kudos to young Sam Toller - the production values, makeup, and acting are superior to many of the shorts of this nature that proliferate the genre. Toller has taken that important first step towards a promising career. I present the film in its entirety below, enjoy !
The Wilderness 2012 - *** http://12movies12minutes.com/ is exactly what you think it would be; a company which produces twelve films a year that are twelve minutes long. This short, which is directed by Vincent Nijman, is their fifth film of the year. Check out their site for interesting shorts that cover a wide range of styles and subject matter. I found this entry about a young woman's increasing estrangement from those in her life intriguing, and well produced. It is presented below in its entirety. Give the film maker a shout on Twitter if you enjoy it: @12movies12min.
Wild Zero 2000 - *** Before we begin the review I just wanted to say that my heritage is Japanese/Irish, I have family in Japan, and have spent time there. There is a certain Japanese sensibility in some of their films, books, and certainly in their anime which is downright weird. I don't mean Lynchian weird, just weird. One must bear in mind that this is a country that had vending machines dispensing used school girl's panties. Their porn often shows a woman taking a dump, but they digitize out genitalia. It is a completely different mental framework than we have in North America is what I'm getting at. I've spent a lot of time watching films by the likes of Kurosawa, and Miike. I love Japanese horror, "Audition" is one of my favorites. It seems though that when they make a zombie film that sensibility of theirs shows up front and center. The elements of early Japanese film making, the "Gojira" factor I call it come into play. This is not necessarily a bad thing as this film demonstrates, though sometimes I would love to see them make a straightforward gory zombie epic. Now a bit of history, "Guitar Wolf" is a power punk trio from Nagasaki, they have been in the Japanese music scene for the last 25 years. The members are known as "Guitar Wolf", "Bass Wolf", and "Drum Wolf". They have made many albums and have appeared in two films including this one...........
This film can only be labelled as the Japanese "KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park". Aliens invade Earth and begin turning people into zombies, the only thing standing in their way is Guitar Wolf. This is by far the best Japanese zombie film produced. It is by turns funny, gory, and outrageous. The gore effects are well done, the zombies are a bit too green but effective. The plot revolves around the band making a blood brother out of a would be rocker named Ace, who goes on to meet the love of his life. She has a pixie haircut, jug ears, and a..........There are several secondary characters involved including an antagonist with a red Moe hairdo, a female arms dealer, and the Yakuza. How these characters meet and interact to defeat the zombie horde makes for a fun filled 90 minutes that had me smiling the whole way through. "Guitar Wolf", the character not the band, has super powers that are never quite explained, but they are very reminiscent of the aforementioned KISS film. The gist of the whole thing is you've just got to rock. With that I leave you the lyrics to "Jet Generation":
"Highway there Spark it Baby Baby Tension Suddenly Outer Spacy
There’s a wallet on my ass with a Rock ‘n’ Roll License
Jet Generation
Barely Barely Bang Bang Make it Flashy
Riding too hard Go go go next with Jet GO GO GO!
Born in Haneda Jet Timing always in his head
Weather Forecast don’t mean a thing
Jet order – Bet your life!!
Jet Generation"
Woods Of Terror 2009 - NO STARS My eyes, My eyes !!! This UK direct to video garbage is a horror anthology of sorts, introduced by some Brit lads who tell each other scary urban legend stories that lead into the vignettes. I seriously wonder if this was shot by a ten year old with a budget of as much as 100 quid. It is by far the most amateurish production I've seen in quite some time. It's the kind of film you shoot with your friends, leave on a shelf, and then revisit years later. You then all watch it together, and are kind of embarrassed that you thought it was good back in the day. Every aspect of the film making process here is atrocious; the make-up, the editing, the acting. The gore effects are particularly laughable, as is a sword fighting scene and its choreography. The plot, such as it is, plays out like something that a ten year old would find "cool". This movie is not good bad, it is not funny bad, it is just plain BAD. If it was a student film it would receive an F. But enough about the technical aspects, let's get to the real galling part. The cut of the film that we watched, which was on a DVD called, "Zombie Horror Fright Fest" contains not a single zombie. Look above - does not the poster say, "A Zombie Horror Cult Classic"? Look at the trailer below - it boasts zombies, but none of those scenes are present. Indeed most of the trailer is not in the 65 minute final cut, which strikes me as kind of fucking stupid considering it's on a zombie DVD. You see according to the IMDB this mess was supposed to have two segments, "Nightmare In The Woods" and "Zombie Village". I guess they decided you didn't need "Zombie Village" on a zombie video release. No matter, it wouldn't have made any tangible difference in my enjoyment factor. I strongly suggest that you avoid not only this film, but anything that is released by the company Chemical Burn on DVD !!!
World's End: The Legacy of Day of the Dead 2013 - *** This is a feature length documentary about the making of George A Romero's masterpiece, "Day of the Dead" that was made for the Special Edition blue-ray release of the film. If you're like me you've come to recognize with the passing of time just how fantastic this film really is. It is definitely in my top three zombie films ever produced, and this doc gives great behind the scene insights. Almost everyone from the principal cast and crew are featured, and the interview and archival footage with Tom Savini is particularly illuminating. Sure, there are those annoying scenes that are always present in these retrospective pieces where the actors suck each other's dicks, "When John got into character for Bill he transformed, his performance was nuanced and organic". But those aside, this is a must see if you are a Romero fan, and a fan of "Day" in particular. The blue-ray will be released on September 17th, 2013, so there is no trailer we can show you. You can though pre-order your copy here:
World War Z 2013 - ** You may be wondering why I'm reviewing the most ambitious zombie film ever made three months after its theatrical release. Is it because of the rewrites and re-shoots that delayed the film's release for almost a year? Was it the poor early reviews? Was it because Paramount Pictures decided to give the film a PG-13 release thereby assuring a lack of gore which is a crucial factor in films of this nature? Yes, for all these reasons, but also because I wanted to view the unrated edition of the film first.
I was well aware what the success or failure of this film meant to the entire zombie film genre, I made mention of it in an article I wrote for buyzombie.com:
As of today, September 4th, 2013, "World War Z" has brought in $200,674,205 domestically on a budget of $190 million. When you add in the foreign box office of $331,600,000 you get a world wide total of $532,274,205. The accepted formula is that a film must double its budget to break even, given the enormous expense of marketing the finished product. So the film made approximately $140 million. Enough for the studio to have given a green light to a sequel.
So was it worth it? Is it the best zombie movie ever made? Did it set the bar for all that will follow? Absolutely not. If you've read my reviews you know the importance that I assign to a well told story. There is none to be found here. The film is so loosely adapted from Max Brooks' excellent novel of the same name that all they really share are their titles. The emotional crux of the film is whether Brad Pitt will reunite with his family after saving the world. If you are not easily manipulated emotionally, or can at least piss a hole in the snow, you just won't give a shit. Is the film pretty? There are some spectacular scenes, the CG zombie hoards wreaking havoc on major cities are truly impressive. The opening scene in New York demonstrates just how quickly and thoroughly these fast moving motherfuckers would decimate a city. It made me wonder how mankind would have any chance at survival whatsoever. But that is the inherent problem with the fast moving zombie, no? One thing I do wish is that Paramount had not included all of the film's great scenes in the bloody trailer.
What the film makers have done here is what J.J. Fucking Abrams did with the abysmal "Star Trek Into Darkness". They took something that has a long history and turned it into a summer popcorn action flick. Having said that, is it then a great action blockbuster? Again, no. Other reviewers have pointed out that the film completely lacks a third act, and they hit the nail squarely on the head. The movie bogs down to the point that I found myself stealing glances at the clock on the wall. This is never a good sign.
As I watched the unrated version I kept asking, "where is the gore"? It was like Disney had produced it. I found myself feeling sorry for those who sat in a theatre without the small amount of splatter that I was witnessing. In trying to reach a wider audience the studio alienated the true fans of zombie cinema with its PG-13 rating, and it seems never even shot anything additional to add to the video release. It's rather like shooting a porno that has no sex in it.
When all is said and done, I wish that the powers that be would have taken that large budget and divided it up, then given $19 million apiece to ten up and coming horror film makers to make their own zombie films. While this film is worth a view, I would be happier watching reruns of "The Walking Dead" anytime.
Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead 2014 - **** Finally! Let me start by saying, run don't walk to find a copy of this film. "Wyrmwood", along with "The Babadook" prove that the Australians are fast becoming leaders in the horror genre. They also prove that you don't need big name horror stars or a huge budget. What you do need is a strong engaging script, talented actors, and in this case, exceptionally well done gore effects. The zombie make up rivals anything that Greg Nicotero and his crew produce, and the gore shown is first rate, original, and convincing. The acting performances here are sound, especially that of Berynn Schwerdt who portrays a crazed Doctor/Scientist. I can honestly say that this movie contains scenes that genuinely fucking creeped me out. That's not easy.
I caught some flack on Twitter recently because in my review of the disappointing "Dead Rising: Watchtower" I said the gore wasn't particularly well done. To those who disagreed with my assessment I challenge you to watch this and compare the two. Thus ends the argument. Naturally, there is a twist thrown in as to what a zombie is and is capable of, but this is becoming a necessity to breathe life into a tired genre, and is believable here.
I haven't been this impressed with a zombie film since "Exit Humanity". This one is definitely worthwhile. A sequel is being shot now, and I, for one, cannot wait. A must view for fans!!!
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